03/jan/2004 Toppers guide to Setting up a computer... My great friend Topper shares her trials and
tribulations on setting up her daughers computer..

Anyone who ever set up a computer knows that there are lots of cables and wires and lots of ports
all different shapes to confuse you. Most people will set up a computer by unpacking the tower and
plugging in the power cable.. then plug in the monitor and then move onto the mouse, keyboard,
speakers and microphone. Basically do it in a modular common sense method.  However that can
be a little easy for some people so here is Toppers patented method to make sure the task is a little
more challeging.

Location, Location, Location.. don’t be wimpy and set it up in the living room or spare bedroom
where you have plenty of light and socket... Noooooooo  thats way too easy.. find the darkest room
in your house.. the Basement is a good place..

Lighting... Real computer jocks do not need lighting.. if your room is well lit ..remove the light bulbs
and use a flashlight instead.

Once you have the lightbulbs removed and your room is suitably dark.. take the PC down into the
room and unpack it there.  This is essensial to ensure that cables peripherals etc are easily lost.

Many hands make light work..   Yeahhh right..Get your family invoved... the more input the better..
You cannot beat everyone sticking in there 2 cents at the same time.  This increases the hair pull
out factor tremendously. If at least 3 people do not have bald patches by the time you try to plug
the keyboard in you just are not doing it right.

Select people with a College or University education for maximum chaos.

Confusion factor.. To ensure the utmost confusion place the main computer box upside down ..that
should realy throw the peons when it comes to plugging in the wires...

MORE INPUT... It is not enough to get your family and pets involved..  You should try to get on the
internet and get all your friends to give there input.. this is a great way to let the world know just
how well you can bugger up a simple setup.

Panic.. At least one person should be computer phobic and shit bricks at the thought of plugging in
a mouse.. If they are not sweating enough simply whisper the words “Bios” in their ears..

If you have legs on your computer.. this may help people deduce which way up the computer goes..
ALLWAYS remove the legs to prevent this...

Finaly do not forget Toppers number one “spanner in the works”  Turn off the power switch toggle..  
Even if someone manages to get the powercord in the right port..this will prevent it powering up

Last and not least.... Ensure you take photographs and tell your friends about all your mishaps..
Especialy if one friend happens to have a website that puts up boopers (big cheesy grin here).

Below are some of the sounds we heard in the chat room while Toppers cohorts set up the PC in
the dark (she had hands free on for us for best effect)

Thats my foot...
Wheres the socket..
Did you plug it in
I cant find the right hole.. (no comment)
Hey the power cable im holding is getting thicker..
That is not the powercable dear...
I hear the fans spinning the power must be on.
Try here.. arghhhhh .. ok try there..
Give me the damn flashlight...
Shut up im trying to get some information..
I dont care who carried it down to the basement.. I didn’t put it upside down.. she did..
Ok who farted...
Well how would i know it had an on off switch..
Assorted swearwords.. edited for content..
From gullys web site
long ago lol